Future Kombat
by Titan Nerd 68
Summary: Noob and Sektor try to reorganize after Midway's collapse. Inspired from Street Fighter: The Later Years.
1. After Armageddon II

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from 's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Chapter 1: After Armageddon II

* * *

"Oh, man," a boy laughed as he and his friends walked into McDonald's next to the arcade. "I still can't believe it! And you dodged that for the rest of the battle!"

"It was a lucky strike," said the other boy. "I'm not as good with Kabal as I am with Raiden. But you know I kicked your ass as Kano."

"That's only because I was playing with that piece of shit Sektor," said the first boy. "If any cyborg is good, it's Smoke."

"Ahem." The boys turned to see a red cyborg mopping the floor. "I'll have you know that not only is Smoke a kleptomaniac, he's also an alcoholic. Not as much as Bo'Rai Cho, but noticeably enough. And that's just the cyborg, wait until I start on the human."

The boys stood in shock. Sektor went behind the counter.

"May I take your orders?" he asked. "And I hate to be a nudge, but I'd really like you to hurry before the dinnertime rush comes."

"I'd like a Krabby Patty with no onions," said the first boy.

"Are you kidding?" Sektor asked.

"No," said the boy. "I'd like a Krabby Patty."

"Sir, this is McDonald's. I can serve you a Big Mac."

"I don't want one. I want a Krabby Patty."

"Don't make me come over there," Sektor said trying to maintain patience.

"Blow it out your ass, Ketchup," the other boy said. Sektor teleported under the floor and appeared from below to punch the two boys into the ceiling. They fell to the floor and ran out of McDonald's as Sektor fired a rocket after each of them.

"And stay the fuck out!" Sektor shouted. "Raiden, I hate people like them."

Sektor went back to work. He received yet another lecture from his boss about controlling his temper before getting into his car and driving to his apartment. He took the elevator to the seventh floor and started walking down the hall.

"Rent!" called his landlord. Sektor responded by setting the man on fire. He walked into his apartment.

"Hi, honey!" Khameleon said as she hugged him. "How was your day?"

"Another shitty day in that hellhole they call a restaurant," Sektor grumbled. "Not only is the food shit, the whole block is shit. This city is shit. And the fact that my job is right next to the damn arcade does not help. Every goddamn day groups of nerds come in saying how so and so trashed so and so with what Fatality or Stage Trap...it gets on my fucking nerves!"

"There, there, Sektor," said Khameleon. "Someday things will get better. I know. I'll make you your favorite meal. Would you like honey or syrup?"

"I'll just have cold Spaghetti-O's," said Sektor as he opened a can with the can opener in his chest before opening a different part of his chest to pour the pasta in. "I hate my fucking life."

"Things will get better," Khameleon said as she put an arm around her husband's shoulder.

The next day, Sektor got up and drove to work. He checked in and began his day serving people Egg McMuffins and McGriddles before mopping the floors. As he was mopping, he accidently knocked a man's drink over.

"Hey, what'd'ja do that for?" the man asked as he jumped up.

"Sorry," said Sektor. "I'll clean it up."

"Damn straight, you lowly janitor."

"Sir, I must ask that you do not speak to me that way."

"Oh, yeah, like I should be nice to someone who makes minimum wage. I can tell you that whatever you make in ten years I can make in two days! Suck it!"

"Suck this," said Sektor as he reached down the man's throat and pulled out his heart. "Learned that when preparing for MK9. {Author's Note: I don't know if Sektor will be in MK9, but I hope he is} What the fuck are all of you looking at? Get back to eating your shit! Shinnok!"

Sektor went back behind the counter.

"Um, Sektor," said his boss, "I'm sorry to bother you again, but you do realize that's the fourth person you've killed this week."

"Finished," said Sektor. "I finished him."

"In any case, he's the fourth. Do you know how much money we've shelled out keeping customers quiet?"

"All I know is that most of it comes out of my paycheck."

"Yes, and that's why you're going to be fired."

"You're firing me?"

"I'm firing you."

Sektor took a deep breath and looked at his boss. He then turned to leave when he saw a familiar face.

"Welcome to McDonald's," he said. "Can I interest you in any of our shitty excuses for food? I can say that because I've just been fired."

"Sektor?" said the man. He was wearing nothing but black and had a hammer on his back. "Oh, my Fujin, I haven't seen you since Armageddon!"

"Yeah, I know," said Sektor. "Oh, you've gotta come by my apartment. It's a piece of shit, but it's a nice place in such a shitty city."

"Nice rhyme," said Noob. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just got fired, too."

"Sektor, please leave," said the boss.

"Gladly." Sektor flipped the bird at his boss as he and Noob left. They were about to turn the corner when Sektor noticed a tow truck. "Uh, sir, that's my car."

"I'm a woman," said the driver, "And your car was illegally parked. I'm takin' it to the impound."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Hey, this is a public street and the church is over there. Watch your language."

"Their god sucks," said Sektor. "I know three gods who are much cooler. Yeah, one's fallen, one's a branflake, and no one gives a shit about the other one, but they're still cooler. And you, lady, have one last chance to give me back my car or I'll blast you to kingdom come."

The woman shot Sektor in the leg with her pistol and drove away.

"We'll take my car," said Noob.

They drove down the street for a while before Noob broke the silence.

"So, I was in MK10. And Smoke wasn't fused to me, thank Raiden. Anyway, I did that. I got to have a showdown where I crippled Drahmin. I hate that guy."

"Yeah, I don't like Drahmin either."

"Anyway, after Midway folded up, I got a job with Ralph from Rampage at an amusement park. He's still there as far as I know. I got fired because I was always scaring people in the haunted house."

"Aren't you supposed to give them a shock?"

"I was in the kitchen area. The hearts I was stabbing were real human hearts. With the person still attached."

"Oh, that'll get you fired."

"Yeah, so I was driving away from there because they'd already foreclosed my house, and I needed a bite and that's when I ran into you."

"Well, my story's not as fancy."

"That's right, after MK9 Midway fired you."

"Yeah, they fired me because I supposedly have anger management issues."

"Sektor, you do have trouble controlling your temper sometimes."

"All I did was kick Ed Boon in the balls. If that douchebag Cage had done it, he'd have gotten away with it."

"That's because there's no MK without Cage."

"No, it's Liu Kang everyone likes. Anyway, I'd gotten fired, so I was working at fucking McDonald's. Just about every day I finished someone. You saw it. It was right by the arcade. They have a bunch of MK games in there. I died every time I went to work. I was ready to put my pulseblades through my stomach and commit hara kiri. Take a right, by the way."

Noob turned to the right and stopped a red light.

"You know something Sektor, I noticed you pulled that guy's heart out."

"Yeah, I'm lucky enough to still have my powers. I'm sure you heard about Rain."

"Who's Rain?"

"The purple ninja from MK: Trilogy. You were in that. As yourself, not Sub Zero."

"I don't remember that guy."

"He had the thunderstorm fatality and that uppercut that reversed his opponent's body."

"Are you sure that wasn't Stryker?"

"No, Stryker's cooler than Rain. Anyway, Rain lost his powers shortly after the first Armageddon and last I heard he's apprenticing to be an actor under Rob Schneider."

"Who's Rob Schneider?"

"Some guy whose career died shortly after his years on SNL. Unless I'm confusing him with David Spade. Anyway, my apartment building is another block from here. That's it."

They went into Sektor's apartment. Khameleon was watching a soap opera on TV.

"Sektor, you're home early," she said without turning around. "Wait, does that mean you got the day off or were you fired?"

"I wish it was the first one," Sektor sighed. "But I brought someone home with me."

"Who?" Khameleon asked as she turned and saw him. "Noob! I haven't seen you since Armageddon. How are you?"

"I'm okay, Khameleon," Noob said. "Unfortunately, I was also fired from my job recently. I got a job at an amusement park with Ralph from Rampage."

"Was it CarnEvil?"

"I wish, but you know that died with Midway. It was on the other side of town. Ralph's still there, but I'm not."

"That sucks ass, given the economy in Earthrealm," said Khameleon.

"Yeah," said Noob. "And they foreclosed my house, so I'm basically fucked."

"It's okay," said Sektor. "Us truly villainous ninjas should form our own deadly alliance to deceive our enemies. Armageddon."

"Another thing we should do," said Noob, "Is reorganize. If CollegeHumor could do it with a series of well made videos, we can do it in a shitty fanfic written by a guy who's only played one game and knows everything else from the series from Wikipedia and Fatality vids on YouTube."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" asked Khameleon. "And Sektor, you can't consider going with him."

"Why not?" asked Sektor. "I want to do it. It'll be fun. You can join us, honey. I know you've only been in...okay, I'm not sure if you were in any games before Armageddon, but we can see people we haven't seen in a while. And I know you exchange emails with Mileena and Ashrah, but it's only a matter of time before they shut off our internet and electricity. So join us."

"I'm not sure I want to go on your damn fool adventure to find everyone," said Khameleon. "Last I heard from Mileena and Ashrah, Quan Chi's flipping burgers at a McDonald's somewhere else, Nightwolf's an electrician, Stryker's trying to get money out of Midway because he's pissed that he's only been in 3, Ermac snapped, Havik actually died, Shujinko does party tricks, and you don't even want to know what Kano's doing these days."

"Bisexual porn with midgets," said Noob. "Don't judge me."

"I won't," said Sektor. "Now let's go! In your car because mine's being impounded."

"They're impounding your car?" Khameleon asked.

"Now, honey..."

"No, Sektor. You're basically hopeless if you want to go through with this."

"Let's go," said Noob. He and Sektor got into his car and they went down the road.

"I know where we can find Reptile {Author's note: MKDA Reptile, because he's actually a reptile}," said Sektor. "Stop here."

Noob stopped his car. Sektor ran into the zoo over to the reptile house. He went up to the giant lizard handing out balloons and taking pictures.

"Hey, Reptile," said Sektor. "Are you sick of your job?"

"Ssssomewhat," said Reptile. "Holy ssssshit, Ssssektor! It'ssssss been a while."

"Yes," said Sektor. "Come out with me. Noob's driving. We're going to reunite as many as we can."

"Sssssoundsssss ex-ssss-cellent!"

"Um, excuse me, Reptile," said a nearby zoo agent. "You're supposed to be selling balloons until closing time."

Reptile simply shot out his tongue and swallowed the man's head. People ran out screaming. Sektor fired off a few rockets for good measure.

"It pays to be evil," said Noob as he shook Reptile's hand. "How the hell are ya, Rep?"

"Jusssst dandy, Noob," Reptile happily hissed as he got into the car. "Where are we going?"

"Just to find someone else," said Noob as he climbed in. "I don't know where anyone is. Do you?"

Reptile handed Noob an address. "You can get there, right?" he asked.

"I can," said Noob. "I can get there."

"Who lives there?" asked Sektor. He looked at the address. "No fucking way."

"Way," said Reptile. "He'ssss named like me, but the brother of someone we hate."

"Never thought I'd want to see Kobra again," said Noob as he turned the key and drove off.

* * *

Oh, boy. They're going to find Ken. I mean Kobra. I mean...you know, that guy in Deception who's part of the Black Dragon and does Hadokens.


	2. Deception

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament. And just for the hell of it, all beginning hard c's from this point are k's

Chapter 2: Deception

In which we learn something about Kobra, we see Nightwolf's new job, and Kenshi and Dairou reveal that life sucks

* * *

"Wow," said Sektor. They had stopped in front of Kobra's mansion. "I knew that Kobra is Ken's brother, but I never knew the Masters family had this much money."

"I think Ken breaks his bro off some every once in a while," said Noob. "Unfortunately, mine doesn't do the same."

"I thought he wasssss the other half of your sssssoul," said Reptile.

"It's a long, komplicated story in the games," said Noob. "Here's the real deal. Larry Saibot married Jane Morrison, and she changed her name upon marriage. They had one son, whom they named Noob, and later another one whom they named Legov. You know him better by his stage name, Sub Zero, which he later legally changed his name to. Only Mom and Dad still call him Legov. And because he's the one who's now the 'real Sub Zero', he's the one who gets all the damn royalty checks. Meanwhile, I got a job at a haunted house. But at least I was better off than Sektor. Let's go."

The three ninjas walked up to the door and Sektor rang the bell. They waited a bit before the door opened. Kobra stood there wearing a pair of boxers with kobras on them and sandals on his feet.

"What the hell do you want?" he asked. "Kira and I were about to get while we could get some with each other. Meaning it's not her time of the month when she goes ballistic, and my peepee kan go dadoingdoingdoing."

"We are on a mission," said Noob. "We are reorganizing."

"Good fucking luck," said Kira as she randomly appeared at the door. "I can't Kannonball anymore, and he can't...what's the word?"

"Hadoken," said Kobra. "My brother had the same problem once, so I'll kall him."

"So Ken really is your brother," said Noob. "I always wondered about the resemblance."

"We're identical twins, in fact," said Kobra. "But we got different haircuts at age nine and went our separate ways. Now, here's the thing. Our powers are hereditary. I got the flaming axe kick from Mom and Hadoken from Dad. We don't know where the teleporting punch komes from. Ken, like Dad, is able to Shoryuken. I kan't. So our parents kinda hated me. I think they just looked for some excuse. Hey, Ken, it's Kobra. All right, I'll be quick, I can't Hadoken anymore. Just like in The Later Years. Whatever, man, just tell me what I need to do. Do I need to fight for someone I love? What? Really? Okay. Dad had this, didn't he? If you're wondering, MK is reorganizing. Bye."

"What did he say?" asked Kira.

"I'll tell you later," said Kobra. "Like, maybe tonight."

"You're not gonna go with ussssss?" asked Reptile.

"My place is here in this house," said Kobra. "With my wife."

"Don't let her leave you," said Sektor. "Kome on, you two. Watch this." Sektor hit Kobra with an uppercut that sent him through the ceiling. "See? I've still got it."

"I've still got it," said Noob as he reappeared behind Kira.

"And ssssso do I," said Reptile as he shot out his tongue and grabbed a fly off the wall. "Kome with ussssss."

"Who punched Kobra through the ceiling?" someone asked. The ninjas turned to see a fat, depressed looking Native American man with tomahawks at his sides.

"Nightwolf," said Reptile. "What are you doing here?"

"And to answer your question, I punched Kobra," said Sektor. "You've really let yourself go, man."

"Don't fucking remind me," said Nightwolf. "You don't know what I've gone through. UMK3 and Trilogy. Deception. Armageddon. MK9 and MK10. Fucking Defenders of the Realm. Fucking Annihilation. Litefoot's an awesome rapper, but...oh, what am I saying. I just had a problem with that movie in general."

"You're not the only one," said Kira. "I wasn't even being thought of when they made MK: Annihilation and I hate it."

"I'm not finished," said Nightwolf. "Midway went under, and Boon is still fucking me over. My royalties are getting smaller every day, so I had to take up the job I originally went to college for. I'm a fucking electrician! And as if that's not bad enough, I have to hand the Masters some bad news."

"Oh, no," said Kira.

"Please tell me it can be fixed, or at least replaced," said Kobra. "I'll suck your...actually, I'd need you to suck mine, but...you know, I'll just shut up now. What's the problem, Nightwolf?"

"Your beer sucks," said Nightwolf, making everyone else krash. "Coors? Kome on, Kobra, kan't you buy some fucking Guinness?"

"I don't drink much," said Kobra. "Our beer is for guests."

"And you were up there for four hours," said Kira. "What were you doing to our circuit breaker?"

"I fixed that an hour ago," said Nightwolf. "A lot of that time was spent drinking beer and watching The Weather Channel. No masturbation, I promise."

"Then what was the problem?" asked Kira.

"You just needed a kouple of wires in it replaced and rewired. Something easy."

"And why were you drinking the beer if you don't like it?" asked Reptile.

"Even if I don't like the taste, beer is beer and it gets me drunk," said Nightwolf. "I took to drinking after MK9. I almost had to. My dad's an alcoholic, my mom knocks them back all the time, my sister was probably born wasted, and don't get me started on my brother."

"What's your brother's name, Dayfox?" Noob jokingly asked.

"Actually, that's my dad. My brother's name is Sunturtle, and my sister's name is Moon Unit. My mom's a huge fan of Frank Zappa."

"And what's her name?" asked Kobra.

"Alyssa." Everyone looked at Nightwolf. "Yeah, my mom's not Native American, she's Scottish. Got a problem?"

"No," said Sektor. "Not at all. My mom's also Scottish. Here's the reason we visited the Masters, Nightwolf. We are reorganizing."

"And to usssse a line from _The Later Yearsssss_," said Reptile, "We need you to make a dec-ssss-issssion fasssst, becuassssse the author may find himssssself ssssssued."

"I don't think too many people kare anymore if we get used without permission," said Nightwolf. "What's in this for me?"

"You can fight," said Noob. "It's what we do best. You can still do Fatalities, right?"

"I can Kreate one, and I can do my classics and everything. Except for...one...thing." Nightwolf's eyes teared up.

"Oh, now I hate to see a grown Kombatant kry," said Reptile. "What's the problem?"

"I kan't do my Animality anymore," Nightwolf sobbed, making everyone krash again.

"That old thing?" asked Noob. "Be happy."

"Yeah, I kan still Animality," said Sektor. "Those were stupid. Besides, you're better off than Rain."

"Who the hell is Rain?" asked Nightwolf.

"The purple ninja."

"We had a purple ninja?"

"Never mind, Nightwolf. Look, Animalities were stupid. Babalities were stupid. Brutalities were stupid. And don't get me started on...(he spat on the floor)...Friendship. Besides, Goro's worse off."

"Yeah, I heard about that," said Kobra. "Poor bastard's just got his strength now. No more fireballs or shockwaves or anything. Kintaro's getting worried. And if you readers are trying to picture that image in your heads, I suggest you don't."

"My girlfriend left me when I told her I kouldn't do it anymore," Nightwolf sobbed. "That's the only reason she stayed with me!"

"I kan ssssssstill do mine, and I hate that," said Reptile. "Ssssssometimesssss I'm sssssleeping, and I wake up, and I find mysssself eating bananasss. I hate bananasssss."

"She said it made the sex worthwhile," Nightwolf sobbed. As he sobbed, he felt the familiar sensation of growing fur, and his kries became howls. Nightwolf then turned back into a man. "All right, let's go."

"Thisssss issssss your lasssst chance-ssssss," Reptile said as he got up.

"As we said, thanks, but no thanks," said Kira. "But when Kobra regains his ability to Hadoken and I regain my ability to Kannonball, we'll give you a kall."

"They'll come around, I'm sure," said Noob. "Get in, everyone. I think I know where we can find Dairou."

"Holy shit, Noob!" Nightwolf exclaimed. "I've seen plenty of E. Honda Pilots, but that one looks awesome!"

"It is an awesome kar," said Noob. "I won it in a game of bridge."

"With?"

"I was playing with Solid Snake, James Bond, and Marco from _Metal Slug _in a parking lot sometime between five fifty AM and two seventeen PM. Marco was my partner and he allowed me to win this kar."

"I didn't know Marco played bridge. I've played poker with him a few times, but never bridge. Is he any good?"

"He's terrible at bridge," said Sektor. "He wasn't my partner when we played, but he made a bunch of bad moves an got angry. Every time he fucks up, he destroys something."

"And that's how it was in our game," said Noob as they got in the kar. "He led pretty badly, so he screamed, took out the Enemy Chasers, and shot them everywhere. Bond tazed him, Snake dragged him away, and they drove him to the klinic up the street. My kar had already been destroyed in a previous game, so I took this one. That was four days ago."

"Hey, Kobra changed his mind," Sektor pointed out. "And he's decently dressed." He rolled down his window. "We knew you'd change your mind, Kobra. Hop in."

"I didn't change my mind," said Kobra. "Reptile forgot his keys."

"Thank you very much, Kobra," Reptile hissed at him.

"Anytime, Rep. Have fun on your adventure."

"Ssssssso, where isssss Dairou?" Reptile asked.

"He owns a kar wash," said Noob. "I've gotten a few washes there and shot the breeze with him. He takes kare of Kenshi, who plays guitar outside the exit for some tips."

"Interesting," said Nightwolf. "Say, hasn't he always had that job?"

"Yeah, but now it's a full time job," said Noob as he pulled up. He rolled down his window and Dairou walked up.

"Hello, hello, welcome to the kar wash," he recited, "With a k and not a c because the price is as low as kan be. And no, I did not kome up with that."

"Slow business, Dairou?" Sektor asked.

"You could say that, Sektor," said Dairou. "What'll it be, Noob? And might I suggest you go with the works."

"No, give me a basic," Noob replied. "I'm watching my budget."

"Why?" asked Reptile. "The basssssic isssss ssssssimply the sssssame assssss the workssssss, but the workssssssss isssss an added dollar for a window sssssshine."

"I'm watching my budget," said Noob. "I have no house, I'm sleeping in this kar, and I also have no job. Give me a basic wash, Dairou."

"Fine," said Dairou. "Get out and head to the back."

The four guys got out of the kar and went to the back, where they saw Kenshi playing a guitar with the kase open. There was some money in it.

"Ssshhh," Sektor whispered. He snuck up. Kenshi kept playing _Long Way Down _by the Googoo Dolls. Sektor slapped Kenshi's shoulder and ran back. Kenshi stood up and whipped his head from side to side.

"Who's there?" he demanded. "Is that you, Dairou? Show yourself."

"It's Sektor," said Sektor. "With Noob, Reptile, and Nightwolf."

"Is this your face, Sektor?" Kenshi asked, touching Sektor's cheek.

"Yeah."

Kenshi punched Sektor across the face. "That was in bad taste, you know that?"

"I'm an established villain, I'm supposed to be a dick."

"Now's not the time, Sektor," said Kenshi, "Seeing as I'm sure you're in the same boat as Dairou and I, having a job that you hate."

"I was actually fired," said Sektor, "And that's why I'm here."

"Hm. Sucks to be you."

"But I am leading the reorganization," said Sektor. "Why don't you and Dairou join us. You both still have your powers, right?"

"Nope," said Dairou. He walked out with a kup of koffee. "I kan't do anything anymore. But I don't mind this kar wash. I worked here years ago as my job in high school, and when the original owner passed, he actually left it to his best employee in his will. Guess who that is."

"And you've been taking kare of Kenshi since MK9, too," said Noob.

"Well, Kenshi takes kare of himself," said Dairou. "I just provide him a home. Which is the office I just walked out of. There's the floor and the sleeping bag. We take turns."

"Kome with usssss," Reptile said. "You know you want to."

"As I said, I lost my powers," said Dairou. "I'd love to kome with you, but I don't have my powers anymore. Besides, I haven't done any fighting at all since MK9."

"I still have my powers," said Kenshi. "Kome on, Dairou, you know you kan regain your powers by intensely training. It worked for Shao Kahn."

"I'm not Shao Kahn," said Dairou. He sighed. "Here's the truth. I'm not as good at washing kars as I was when I was sixteen. And Kenshi doesn't play guitar, I record songs beforehand or play something myself and record that and I slip the recorder in the guitar."

"I didn't know you played guitar," said Nightwolf. "I play a little myself. How'd you learn, out of kuriosity?"

"I played a lot of Guitar Hero," said Dairou, making everyone krash. "My PS2 is the only thing keeping me going. I like to put in MKD or MKA or MK9 so I kan beat the shit out of myself. It's a great way to relieve stress."

"Gotcha beat," said Reptile. "SssssssNESsssssss, N-sssssssitx-sssssty4, GameCube, and Wii. I don't play Ssssshaolin Monkssssss. But yessssss, beating mysssssself up sssssssometimessssss feelsssssss great."

"So, we've got Sektor, Noob, Reptile, and Nightwolf," said Kenshi. "Who else are we getting?"

"Well, it was my idea, so I thought," said Sektor. "We need a kouple females, like maybe Kitana or Sindel or someone. Someone hot, so that rules out Ashrah, Mileena, and Jarek."

"Jarek's a man," said Noob.

"Khameleon and I had lunch with Jarek after the operation," said Sektor. "Truth is, she looks very similar. Too similar. Anyway, we've got three ninjas, I think we should have at least one more. If we kan find someone who knows where Ermac is, we might be able to have enough ninjas to meet my ideas."

"Ermac's in an asylum," said Dairou. "Kenshi and I visit him on occasion."

"We kan stop by later," said Kenshi. "Go on."

"Yes," said Sektor. "We'll also want a big time kharacter, like Scorpion, or Sub Zero, or Liu Kang, or Raiden, or Johnny Douchebag."

"You mean Cage," said Kenshi.

"Actually, he meansssss Carlton," said Reptile. "Anyone else?"

"I think I know where we kan find Cyrax," said Sektor. "And Smoke, too. What do you think, should we also find Sheeva?"

"I do not want to see Sheeva ever again," said Noob.

"I know what you mean," said Kenshi. "I kan't see him, and he still makes my eyes bleed."

"Trust me on this one, Kenshi," said Nightwolf. "Sheeva is a female Shokan. Speaking of kharacters who are ugly as shit, are also going for Baraka?"

"Yeah, Baraka and Reiko," said Sektor. "I don't know where Shao Kahn is, but I'd like to find him. And the other two big baddies. Shang Tsung and Quan Chi."

"Why?" asked Dairou.

"We're all missing some things," said Sektor, "And it's been a while since anyone's officially fought. And they're the best to train us, since Kano's gym was klosed down years ago."

"We're on our way to something supernatural, superserious," said Dairou.

* * *

Ermac, Cyrax, and others. Look for it!


	3. Deadly Alliance

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi

In this Chapter: Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Taven, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado, Raiden, Hsu Hao

Others: Khameleon, Kobra, Kira

Chapter 3: Deadly Alliance

In which Cyrax is a barber, Li Mei has a real job, Taven has issues, and Sektor catches a Bellsprout

* * *

"Here's the asylum," said Dairou. "You want me to go in with you, Sek?"

"If you want," said Sektor.

"I'm koming, too," said Reptile. "Ermac and I really bonded during the making of UMK3."

They went into the klinic, which smelled to Sektor like plaster and tasted to Reptile like old socks.

"Are you here for an appointment or a visit?" the klerk asked.

"I'm Dairou," said Dairou. "I'm a friend of your patient Ermac."

"Ah, yes, you're the guy who used to have the weird ponytail."

"It's not weird, and I still have it."

"I'll be right back."

"Now remember, Ermac's bipolar," said Dairou, "So be patient with him."

"We're back," said the klerk. "Ermac, they say they know you."

"Yes," said Ermac. "And we know them. Dairou. Sektor. Reptile. How the hell are you guys?"

"I've been okay," said Sektor. "I've had better times. How about you?"

"We've been okay," said Ermac. "We tell you, being locked up in here like a primate makes for a shitty existence."

"Give up the act, Ermac," said Reptile. "You are one persssssson and you know it."

"If we are one person, why do we kontinually refer to ourself like this?" Ermac asked, hiding a smile under his mask. "Exactly what brings you here?"

"We're reorganizing," said Sektor. "I'm leading it. Noob's waiting outside in his kar with Nightwolf and Kenshi. We're going out to find more people. Kome with us."

"We shall join you," said Ermac as he threw the klerk against the wall telekinetically.

"So, who else do you plan to get?" asked Noob as he moved to the passenger seat.

"Besides Cyrax and Smoke," said Sektor as Nightwolf took the wheel, "I also want a female kharacter as you know, and I think Li Mei lives somewhere around here. I also want Quan Chi, and I think we kan find him somewhere. And I know she's ugly and krazy, but Mileena might also be around here."

"But if this is Deadly Alliance," said Kenshi, "What would Mileena be doing here?"

"Well, we started by picking up Ermac," said Sektor, "So as far as I'm koncerned, we kan also get Mileena if she's around and wants to join us."

"And did I hear you right when you said you wanted to get Cyrax?" asked Nightwolf. "Because...you know."

"I know," said Sektor. "I just don't know where he is. I know he owns a barbershop. Oh, look, there it is."

"I smell a Later Years krossover," Dairou kommented.

"You kall that a haircut?" an angry man asked as he stormed out of the shop. "You're lucky I even paid for that shit. No tip for you!"

"Yeah, well..." Cyrax began. "Fuck you!"

"Fuck you, too!" the man responded. Cyrax flipped him off as he left.

"I swear to Raiden I will Finish the next bastard to walk in this shop!" Cyrax screamed. "I know you heard me!"

"Well, if I krawl in there, I'm not walking," said Sektor. He got out of the kar. "I'm goin' in alone. Wish me luck, folks."

"It's times like these I wish I kould see," said Kenshi.

"Hello, Cyrax," said Sektor as he walked up.

"Hello...Sektor."

"I'm not walking in, I'm krawling in."

"I see that...Ketchup."

"You know I don't like being kalled Ketchup, Mustard."

"Get the hell away from my shop, Stop Sign."

"Hahaha. Is that your best...insult, Yellow Light."

"Get your cybernetic ass away from this barbershop before I kick it, Apple."

"Just hear me out here, Lemon."

"This is your last warning, Menstrual Blood."

It was this that made Sektor stand up.

"I know you didn't just kall me Menstrual Blood."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"Prepare to die, Piss Bucket!"

Everyone watched as Sektor and Cyrax mixed it up in the street. Neither had a pulseblade, so they went with their hands and rockets. Cyrax shot off a few nets, and Sektor shot off a few flames, but in the end they were evenly matched, so Kenshi and Ermac went over to pull them off each other.

"Here's the thing, Cyrax," said Dairou, "Your buddy Sektor is leading the reorganization with Noob. They are on a mission from Raiden to hold another Mortal Kombat tournament."

It was then that the big time kharacter Raiden appeared. He looked at everyone and shook his head.

"I just kame to say that Dairou is wrong, I did not send anyone to do anything," he said. "And also that Sektor, you look like shit, Nightwolf, you really look like shit, and Dairou looks shittiest of all. And no, I'm not going to join this tournament. I'm sitting on my royalty checks. Suck it, all of you!" He vanished.

"That hassss got to be the leassssst flaky Raiden'sssss ever been," said Reptile.

"The sad part about that is he's right," said Kenshi. "I've always wondered how a god kould be that flaky."

"You have no idea," said Reptile. "I've known him longesssst. He wasssss ssssso much weirder back in the ninetiessssss. Sssssso, how are you, C-sssss-yrax-ssssss?"

"I've been better," said Cyrax. He took off his mask and took a breath of air. "I kan never decide if I want to keep this on or not. I officially went human in MK10, but of kourse, my klassic look was the alternate kostume. Hotaru and I had fun in Konquest for that game when I joined the Orderrealm Guardsmen."

"How is Hotaru?" asked Nightwolf.

"Well, he's still having trouble with his wife, he still has that stick up his ass that all Order guards have (nothing personal, Dairou), his obsessive kompulsive disorder is way out of hand, and I think he's a kloset krackhead."

"In other words, he's the same as he was when he auditioned for MKD," said Dairou. "And the same he's been since I've known him. But he didn't start smoking krack until about 1999. So, what's the word, Cyrax? Are you in?"

"Yes," said Cyrax. "Not just for love and adventure. I hate Sektor, as you know."

"He's right here in the room," said Kenshi. "Right?"

"Yes," said Sektor, "But it's a known fact that we hate each other. Especially when I blasted him, Jax, and Sonya back in Gold." He laughed.

"I'm a bad guy, too, Sektor," said Noob, "But that was really dick of you."

"Yeah, I lossssssst all my ressssssssspect for you when you did that," said Reptile. "Too tassssstelesssss for hisssss sssstandardsssss, too, Sssssshang Tsssssung ssssaid."

"In any kase," said Cyrax, "I'm joining because Sektor and I have yet to settle our score. I'm in."

"Excellent," said Sektor. "Do you know where we kould find Smoke?"

"In Edenia," said Cyrax.

"All right," said Sektor. "Let's see, most of us kan teleport, so..."

"I think that's beside the point," said Kenshi. "We're in Outworld."

"Yeah, and besides, Smoke doesn't need to join us," said Ermac. "He's married to Kitana (lucky bastard), they live in her palace in Edenia, and they have two children."

"Beautiful children," said Cyrax. "I visit Smoke every year so we kan go on our annual fishing trip in Orderrealm."

"That's why the trout keep disappearing out of that pond," said Dairou. "Oh, man, do NOT let Darrius katch you fishing in that pond. He once saw Motaro fishing in there, and it was ugly."

"How ugly?" asked Noob. "I'm kurious now."

"You know how Motaro originally had four legs?"

"Yeah. Then the Shokans kursed him and the other Centaurs and made them Minotaurs with two legs."

"Motaro's in a wheelchair now."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, and he's lost his powers completely. He's useless."

"He kould be a ref for the fights," said Ermac.

"He wouldn't do that," said Sektor. "Besides, I don't even know where he is."

"He's in a homeless shelter in Chaosrealm," said Dairou. "We occasionally talk on the phone. Other than that, he's mostly okay. But yeah, I once asked what he would do if he was invited to another tournament, and he said he'd have nothing to do with it. Who should we go for next?"

"Li Mei," said Reptile. "I know where sssssshe issssss."

"Where's that?" everyone asked.

Reptile ended up taking everyone to a gentlemen's klub. As you know, that's a euphemism for strip klub. Li Mei was on the pole dancing when she saw them. Nightwolf was about to put a dollar in her thong when she went up and kissed him on the cheek. Nightwolf began to freak out, then remembered that Li Mei never had a kiss of death. After her dance, she waved at them, talked to her boss, then met them in the back room.

"Hi," she said. "It's been a while since I've seen all of you. Except for Reptile."

"You're very ssssssex-ssssy," Reptile hissed, gently licking Li Mei's face.

"I'm sure you kame here for more than the boners you all have," said Li Mei. "Even you, Kenshi."

"I get a picture in my head," said Kenshi. "I'm thinking of "finishing" all over your face."

"That's kinda gross," said Sektor. "Here's the thing."

"Here's our thing," said Ermac as he unzipped his pants. Dairou elbowed Ermac in the side.

"As I was saying," said Sektor, "I plan to host a tournament soon, and we decided we'd need at least one female. We hate Sheeva, Kitana's a big shot kharacter, Khameleon's out, Kira's out, and Sonya is unavailable. Permanently. So we thought we'd invite you."

"Yeah, I did hear about Sonya quitting fighting for good," said Li Mei. "Really sucks. But yeah, I'll join. I haven't fought in years, and I don't want to get rusty. Besides, Dairou, you still owe me money from a bet from MKD."

"And I told you for the last time," said Dairou. "It only happened because Shujinko was not wearing a belt."

"It still happened," said Li Mei.

"He chose not to wear a belt. You know the terms of the bet."

"It still happened."

"His pants fell down?" asked Noob.

"He got a massive boner that we kould all see," said Li Mei. "Dairou and I had already seen all the kostumes, and I bet him Shujinko would get a boner when he saw Ashrah in her alternate kostume. It is true that he wasn't wearing a belt, but he did still get a boner."

"I'll tell you what the full terms and konditions were later," said Dairou. "All right, we've got Li Mei. Who's next?"

"Let's try to find Quan Chi," said Sektor. "We could use another real villain. Not a wannabe villain like you."

"I'm a neutral mercenary," said Dairou.

"Yeah," said Cyrax. "That's a wannabe villain."

"Well, you're a former villain yourself."

"But I'm a full fledged good guy."

"Yeah, well, I'm a full fledged neutral party."

"Dairou, Cyrax, we're leaving," said Nightwolf.

They slept in Noob's kar that night. It was somewhat kramped, but everyone got some rest. They rock paper scissored for the driver, and it ended up being Kenshi, which scared everyone, so they tried again and it was Sektor. They stopped at one point at a red light and a familiar man with a huge beard and a cup of change walked up and asked them to roll down the window.

"I'm not giving you any change, Taven," said Sektor.

"Come on, Sektor," said Taven. "Think of how we bonded when we were shooting that one part of MKA's Konquest. You and I were friends."

"Were is the operative word, shitstain. I'm not your friend anymore."

"That was years ago. Besides, you're better off than I am. You've got an apartment."

"Not anymore."

"Well, you've got a kar."

"This is Noob's kar."

"Oh. Hi, Noob."

"I don't do that anymore, Taven. Hello to you, too."

"Come on, Sektor."

"Fuck you, Taven." Sektor drove off as the light turned green. "Fujin, I hate Taven."

"Why?" asked Kenshi. "He's a nice guy."

"He's a bastard," said Sektor. "A year or two ago, Khameleon was invited to a party. I wasn't because that dickhead Cyrax back there hosted it."

"Well, you never ever invited me to any of your parties," Cyrax kountered.

"I've only held three parties in my entire life. As I was saying, I dropped Khameleon and told her to kall me when she was ready to go. I then drove to Kabal's place to play Monopoly with him, Havik, and Tanya. This was before Tanya and Havik got married. Anyway, we were playing, and I got the kall. I was krushing them already, so we kalled it a game and I left. As I was getting kloser to Cyrax's house, I noticed Taven and Khameleon making out. She had her mask down, and it was full fucking tongue."

"That's why Taven was so happy when he kame back in the house," said Cyrax. "Okay, that's a pretty good reason. So, he's not allowed in the tournament?"

"That man does not exist to me," said Sektor. He stopped at another light. Taven, who had been following them, tapped on the window. Sektor responded by opening his window and blasting Taven with a rocket. As they drove, Sektor took the exit to Nintendo. He drove them to Vermillion City where he stopped at a McDonald's.

"I thought you hated McDonald's because they fired you," said Dairou.

"I do," said Sektor. "But I know Quan Chi works here."

"I do," said Quan Chi, appearing out of nowhere. "Katch a Pokemon, Sektor, and I will join you. Hi, Li Mei."

"How the hell did you get out here so quickly without teleporting?" asked Noob.

"I have a series of rabbit holes that I use for transport," said Quan Chi suddenly appearing on the other side of the kar. "I'm that kind of awesome. And I proved it by putting a kondom on Reptile's tail."

"That's great," said Sektor. He went off into the wilderness beside the city. He looked around, one PokeBall in hand. He eventually kame across a Bellsprout. "I never kould katch one of those. Let's learn more." He opened an apparatus on his arm and heard the results.

"Bellsprout," said the komputer. "The Flycatcher Pokemon. Bellsprout is a Grass/Poison type, and is known for katching insects out of the air. It is also very weak, so if you kan't katch one of these, you suck at life."

"Thank you very much," Sektor grumbled. He shot the Bellsprout with a rocket and threw the PokeBall. The Bellsprout busted out after one try. Sektor then used his flamethrower, which disabled it long enough for Sektor to get it with the kompressor in his chest. "Grass types were never my favorite."

"Good, you kaught the Bellsprout," said Quan Chi. "Next challenge is to defeat me!"

"Fine," said Sektor. "One round?"

"Sixty seconds," said Quan Chi.

"Blood level max."

"Death Traps on."

"FIGHT!" Noob said.

Sektor and Quan Chi faced each other. Quan Chi drew his broadswords and Sektor took out his pulseblades. They had it out for fifteen seconds before Sektor had an idea. He Rocket Punched Quan Chi into the air, kicked him, jumped up, and hit with an Aerial Kombat kombo. Quan Chi fell to the ground, but Sektor delivered a huge kick to his stomach before sticking his pulseblades in Quan Chi's legs.

"FINISH HIM!" Noob announced. Sektor rubbed his chin, then set Quan Chi aflame. "Sektor wins! Fatality!"

Li Mei took out a quarter and put it into the slot (no, not her slot). Quan Chi was restored and he shook Sektor's hand.

"Thanks," he said. "I was driven krazy in that establishment."

"Same when I worked for them," said Sektor. "I'd say I went about Mariah Carey krazy."

"I think I went Mike Tyson krazy," said Quan Chi.

"Don't you mean Mike Bissssssson?" asked Reptile.

"No, that's Balrog," said Cyrax. "Mike Bison's the dictator."

"Let's not start that argument up," said Kenshi. "We need to get back on the road."

"Not without us," said a voice. "And we have a score to settle with Quan Chi over there." Everyone turned to see Drahmin and Moloch.

"I didn't know you kould speak, Drahmin," said Nightwolf.

"I kan," said Drahmin, "But that was Moloch."

"Yeah," said Moloch. "Please, Sektor, take us with you. Taven told us everything."

"Where is that douchebag?" asked Sektor.

"I'm right here," said Taven, koming out from behind Moloch. Sektor set Taven on fire, shot a bunch of rockets at him, stabbed him repeatedly with his pulseblades, threw him onto the death spikes, uppercut him up to the spikes on the ceiling, ripped out his heart, ripped out his spine, tore his arms off, beat the shit out of him with his own leg, ripped out his brain, punched him in the krotch until his legs broke off, broke his neck, pounded him into the ground, kicked his head off, and krushed him in the kompressor.

"How the hell did you do all that?" asked Ermac.

"Through a lot of built up hatred," said Sektor.

"Plus the fact that you're a komplete dick," said Drahmin. "It's okay. I am, too."

"All right, but we kan't all fit in my kar," said Noob.

"Worry not," said Sektor. "It's time to start the main planning. Noob, this was our idea. You'll go out and get who I tell you. I know a place in Outworld where we kan hold this tournament."

"Where is that?" asked Cage. He popped up from where he was hiding in the bushes. "Sektor. Haven't seen you in ages. You're planning a Mortal Kombat tournament?"

"Yeah, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy's uncle's sister-in-law's nephew's half-brother's step-brother's third girlfriend's second partner's dentist's roommate's algebra teacher's sister's lawyer's illegitimate child's supervisor's fourth kousin three times removed who owns a gym," said Sektor. "And yes, that's the truth."

"And how did you meet this person?" asked Dairou.

"We went to the same high school," said Sektor. "He sat behind me in physics. So, I'll kall him and see if I kan rent his gym for some time. Here's the plan. I'll go there and get things set up. Nightwolf, Li Mei, Ermac, Kenshi, and Moloch, I want you to help me do some renovations and get the training equipment ready. Everyone else go with Noob. Find Mileena for me and Noob kan pick someone else to go find."

"I'll look for a friend in the Red Dragon," said Noob.

"Who, Daegon?" asked Reptile.

"No," said Noob as they got into his kar. "Mavado. I don't kare if you like Kabal more, you know he retired after MK10. He's not going to fight anytime soon. So Mavado's our only other hooksword user."

"Why hookswords of all things?" asked Quan Chi.

"They're awesome weapons," said Noob. "If I had it my way, I'd own a pair."

"Yeah, you really don't," said Dairou. "Oh, you meant a pair of hookswords."

"Very funny," said Noob. "K'mon, we're going."

They drove down the highway, back into Midway, and into a traffic jam.

"Fuck this," said Noob. "Cyrax, Quan Chi, we're the only three who teleport. Everyone else hang on to my kar."

Noob, Cyrax, and Quan Chi teleported simultaneously and appeared in Edenia. They found themselves in another traffic jam, which pissed them off, needless to say.

"Karma is a bitch," said Dairou.

"That's the old saying," said Drahmin.

"No, really," said Dairou. "My sister's name is Karma, and she's a komplete bitch."

"That's a little harsh, she's your sister," said Noob.

"I've met Karma," said Reptile. "Ssssshe'ssss a bitch."

"She's also krazier than Ermac," said Dairou. "So, does anyone have any way to reach Mileena?"

"I do know that Sektor said Khameleon and Mileena still e-mail," said Noob. "I kan't kall her. Say, what say we visit Smoke and Kitana?"

"No," said Cyrax. "Kitana will kill me if I set foot on her property."

"I kan't," said Reptile, "Becausssssse I owe Sssssssmoke money I kan't pay him."

"You have no idea what kind of beef Kitana has with me from MKDA," said Drahmin.

"Well, I know that stems from the fact that you thought pissing in her koffee was funny," said Quan Chi. "And you thought it would be funny to piss in mine."

"Actually, that was Kano," said Drahmin. "And while it did kome out of his penis, it wasn't piss." He chuckled.

"Excuse me while I throw up koffee I drank back in 2002," said Quan Chi. "Noob, stop the kar." Noob stopped, Quan Chi got out and stuck his finger down his throat, literally vomiting up the koffee he drank eight years ago.

"That was...weird," said Dairou. "You drank that literally eight years ago and it was still there?"

"I'm a weird individual," said Quan Chi. "Oh, look, there she is."

Mileena was standing by the side of the road with a kissing booth set up. She was asleep and there were cobwebs around.

"How much for a kiss?" Dairou asked.

"Two ruby koins," said Mileena. "Dairou? Is it really you?"

"Nope, it's Shang Tsung," Dairou joked, getting punched in the face.

"That's for putting the whoopee kushion in my kar back in UMK3!" she shouted. "You think that was funny?"

"It's really me," said Dairou. "How are you?"

"I'm fine now," said Mileena. "Business is slow, as you might imagine."

"I kan't imagine why," Dairou said through klenched teeth.

"I'm actually aware of what my face looks like," said Mileena. "You'd be surprised at who might be that desperate for a kiss."

"That's why these are set up," said Dairou. "Here it is. Sektor is hosting a Mortal Kombat tournament in Outworld. Noob is in the kar with some others and we kan take you there after we get Mavado."

"Why not Kabal?"

"He's permanently retired."

"Well, I guess I'll join. Business is slow and I've got nothing better to do."

Dairou turned around, but Noob's kar was gone. The entire road was empty and he and Mileena were the only ones standing around.

"I'm pretty sure we're still in Edenia," said Dairou. "Does Chaosrealm ever pretend to be other realms?"

"I've never seen it do that," said Mileena. "And I know Kitana's palace is still that way down the street as it says on the sign, so we're still in Edenia."

"There you are," Sektor said suddenly. "Hang on to me, I'll teleport us back."

"Wait, hold the line, love isn't always on time," said Dairou. "How'd you get here from Outworld?"

"I still have my portable portal maker from MK9," said Sektor. "That's how I'm transcending the realms. Let's go."

"You've gotten out of shape," Mileena kommented.

"And you're still an ugly Tarkatan bitch," Sektor returned, receiving a sharp kick in his cyber-organic testicles.

_meanwhile somewhere in Earthrealm_

"Have you seen this man?" Quan Chi asked holding up a picture of Mavado.

"I'm looking for him, too," said Drahmin. "Kan we please switch seats, Cyrax?"

"No," said Cyrax. "I'm having fun scaring the hobos."

"There he is," said Noob as he stopped the kar. They got out and walked over to Mavado, who was wearing a painter's outfit. "Hey, Mavado! Remember us?"

"Be kool, Mavado," Mavado whispered to himself. "Just old kombatant friends. Hey, Smoke! How are you?"

"I'm Noob," said Noob. "I haven't seen Smoke in years."

"Wait, are you Noob, or are you Sub Zero?" asked Mavado. "I'm sorry, I still konfuse you two."

"I was Sub Zero, but...never mind. Join us. Sektor's hosting another tournament."

"Ah, good job, old friend," said Mavado. "You've kome a long way from kapturing demigods and torching people."

"I'm Cyrax," said Cyrax. "Do you remember any of us?"

Mavado looked at the people in front of him (Noob, Quan Chi, Cyrax, Reptile, Drahmin). "Uh...Noob, Shang Kahn, Cyrax, Lizardman, and...Rain?"

"Noob, Quan Chi, Cyrax, Reptile, and Drahmin," said Hsu Hao as he kame out of the house. "Who the hell are Shang Kahn and Rain, Mavado? And what are you folks doing in Earthrealm?"

"Sektor is hosting a tournament in Outworld," said Quan Chi. "We kame to invite Mavado, but you're welcome, too."

"Sorry, I have to decline," said Hsu Hao. "My new subordinate is helping me paint the house so I kan surprise my wife when she brings home the baby."

"Kongratulationsssssss," said Reptile.

"She fucked Daegon behind my back," said Hsu Hao. "She thinks I kan't have sex because of my artificial heart. Never mind the fact that I've been fucking Sareena for the past several months. But I have a low sperm kount, anyway."

"And how's Mavado now your subordinate?" asked Drahmin. "I thought that was just in MK10."

"No, I was demoted," said Mavado. "Apparently, someone higher up than me who isn't Daegon has a problem when I show up for work blasting Aerosmith."

"You were blasting the Jonas Brothers," said Hsu Hao. "You deserve the demotion."

"It kame in an Aerosmith CD kase," Mavado argued.

"Anyway, we just switched jobs because my kontract with the Red Dragon Klan says that I work with no one but Mavado," said Hsu Hao. "Which, may I remind you, is why you still have a job."

"Kan I still participate in the tournament?" asked Mavado.

"I don't give a Shokan's clitoris what you do with your free time," said Hsu Hao. "If you want to fight, fine. I'm not koming to watch, though. I'll have to change diapers."

"You've gotten really kocky since you took my position," said Mavado. "Really, what happened to the old Hsu Hao I knew?"

"They're leaving without you," said Hsu Hao. "Might want to go, Mavado. I'll see you when you return. Tell everyone hi."

"Do you think he'll kome?" asked Noob.

"I know him well enough," said Quan Chi. "He'll argue with Mavado a bit, then he'll kome over here."

At that moment, the next sounds heard were a scream and a lazer beam. Mavado krawled over to Noob's kar without his legs.

"All right, let's go," Mavado said as he somehow managed to klimb into the kar.

"Um, what about...?" Cyrax began.

"My legs? I'll be fine."

"Hold on, I've gotta ask Hsu Hao about something," Drahmin said. "Stay where you are, Noob, I'll be back in a jiffy and a half."

"What do you want, Drahmin?" asked Hsu Hao as he was about to klose the door.

"I just wanted to ask why you're staying with your wife who hasn't made it a secret that she's cheating," said Drahmin. "And I wanted to ask if you had any whiskey, because I am parched like...parchment."

Hsu Hao looked toward where the kamera would be if this was a TV show, then he looked at Drahmin, all the time wearing a look that kould be best described as the look a kamel wears on its face right before it gets run down by a million klones of Scott Stapp.

"Drahmin, I'm not going to answer your question," said Hsu Hao. "I'm going to instead ask you the same two questions I asked Mavado a minute ago."

"What are those?"

"Do you remember MKDA?"

"Yes, very well."

"Okay. How far away from my house kan you get without your legs?"

"Have a nice day, Hsu Hao."

"You too, Drahmin."

"I guess you didn't kall his bluff like a real man," Mavado teased when Drahmin got back in the kar.

"I'm a demon, not a man," said Drahmin, "And I'm not stupid like you."

As Noob was backing up, two legs suddenly hit his windshield.

"Mavado forgot his legs!" Hsu Hao shouted from his door.

"And now there's blood on the fucking windshield," Noob muttered as he got out to get the legs.

* * *

MK4 is next!


	4. MK4

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado

In this Chapter: Kai, Reiko, Shinnok, Argus, Fujin, Sonya

Others: Khameleon, Kobra, Kira, Taven, Raiden, Cage, Hsu Hao

Chapter 4: MK4

In which the Elder Gods explain the meaning of life, Kai has a phobia, and Reiko...you'll see in a future chapter

* * *

"Welcome, Kombatants!" Sektor announced. A few days had gone by and they were training at the gym. "I'm glad to know you're all showing this much interest in my tournament. I'd like to think of Noob as the sub-boss and I'm the boss, but not today." Nobody laughed. Mileena koughed. "In any kase, I want to get a few more people. We have fourteen now, but I want two more. I've already decided I want to get Reiko and another big time kharacter."

"Who are the big timers?" asked Li Mei.

"Everyone from the first two games except for me," said Noob. "Since my brother is now Sub-Zero, he's the big time kharacter, so he gets all the damn royalty checks."

"I'm a big timer, but I'm here becausssssse I ssssssupport my lower friendssssss," said Reptile.

"And I'm here because I have nothing better to do," said Mileena.

"Thank you, Reptile," said Sektor. "Okay, so I posted a new training circuit I found online on the wall, and there will be some quick sparring matches upon my return. I have no cell phone, so if something goes wrong...you're all on your own. Sorry. But before I go and find Reiko, I'd like to thank a few people. First, I'd like to thank my fellow evil ninja Noob for being the one to make me think of the good old days. I have to thank Reptile, another evil ninja for being the first to jump in. And I have to thank my lovely wife Khameleon, who's obviously not here, but I still love her. Even though she made out with that bastard Taven."

It was then that the Elder Gods appeared. Or just the ones we know, meaning Raiden, Fujin, Argus, and Shinnok. Shinnok? An Elder God? Again?

"You're back in the Elder Gods, Shinnok?" Quan Chi asked. "Why?"

"I never actually fell," said Shinnok. "That was just in the games."

"I don't appreciate that insult to my son," said Argus. "Taven is not a bastard. He's a fucking asshole, as I also saw him making out with your wife, but my son is not a bastard."

"What about the one that no one kares about?" asked Sektor. "You know, the purple ninja who was so named because Ed loves Prince."

"Bastard actually reflects on the mother," said Fujin.

"No, his mother was also cheating," said Argus. "Rain's a bastard."

"We are here to give you the meaning of life," said Raiden. "Konsider yourselves lucky, mortals, because we don't do this often. And it won't be free."

"Why not?" asked Mavado.

"Oh, my myself," said Argus. "Mavado. Haven't seen you since Daegon showed me around the Red Dragon hideout. How've you been?"

"Okay, even though I was demoted," Mavado komplained. "And why won't this be free?"

"You'll find out when we tell you," said Shinnok. He and the other gods were stifling laughs.

"Is there something you're not telling us?" asked Nightwolf.

"Okay, okay," said Raiden. "Here's the meaning of life. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit. Oh, man. I kan't tell you. You try, Fujin."

"O-okay," said Fujin, growing red in the face. "The meaning of life is...HAHAHAHAHA!"

"My turn," said Shinnok. "The...the...meaning of life...is...kalm down."

"It's a Monty Python movie," said Argus. "Hey, how are you today, Raiden?"

"Better," said Raiden.

"Better?"

"Better get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up like Bo'Rai Cho."

"Better get me my ball and chain," said Moloch. "That joke sucked more than _Mortal Kombat: Special Forces_."

"But not before eating this wafer thin mint," said Fujin, producing a wafer thin mint out of nowhere.

"We don't know if anyone read the latest chapter of Street Fighter vs. Tekken: The Fanfic," said Ermac, "But that specific gag has been used."

"Damn," said Fujin. "That's my favorite part of the movie."

"Does anyone want to fight in the tournament?" Sektor asked.

"No!" the gods laughed as they returned to the heavens.

"You're all tools!" Kenshi shouted after them.

"This direction," Mileena said, turning him around.

"I'm out," said Sektor. "Noob, I'm using your kar."

"No, you're not," said Noob as Sektor drove off. "Fine. Let's get to training."

Sektor drove down the ruined roads of Outworld to Shao Kahn's kastle. He kame to the first gate where a Tarkatan was standing guard.

"Hey, Baraka, kould you let me in?" Sektor asked. "I need to see Reiko."

"I'm not Baraka," said the Tarkatan. "Why would you think I was?"

"I saw you from a distance and noticed you were a Tarkatan," said Sektor. "The only Tarkatan male I know is Baraka, and he works for Shao Kahn."

"Baraka is in a meeting in Earthrealm with Shao Kahn," said the Tarkatan. "What, you think we all look alike?"

"Quite frankly, you do," said Sektor. "I'm not trying to be racist, but you people are harder to distinguish than penguins."

"I'm not letting you in now," said the Tarkatan. "You've pissed me off."

"Well, if you're not Baraka, then who the hell are you so I know if I see you again and know it's you?"

"My name is Karbarak."

Sektor raised an eyebrow under his mask, then removed his mask to heighten the effect.

"Karbarak?" he said. "As in _Defenders of the Realm_?"

"Yes, that was me because Baraka was unavailable. You were on that."

"Don't remind me," said Sektor as he drove over Karbarak and up the winding path. "Stupid fuckin' Tarkatans, all lookin' more alike than a stormtrooper orgy."

Up at the kastle, a Shokan and a Centaur were standing guard.

"So, tell me," said the Shokan. "How'd you end up with the human penis gene?"

"Will you stop looking at it!" the Centaur growled as Sektor got out of the kar. "Whoa, sir, you kan't park in that space. Read the sign."

Sektor turned to see a sign that read 'Shao Kahn only! Get your own damn parking space, bitch!'

"Yeah, I saw the sign," said Sektor. "I opened up..."

"Finish the song and I'll Finish you," said the Shokan.

"I'm here to see Reiko," said Sektor. "Is he in?"

"That's what she said," said the Shokan. "Yeah, he's in there."

"But hold up!" said the Centaur. "Nobody sees Reiko, not no way, not no how!"

Sektor took his mask off again to heighten the effect of the tired, impatient look on what was left of his face. He then teleported into the kastle and went to the war room.

"Hey, Reiko!" he kalled. "Are you in there?"

"Yo, Sektor!" Reiko shouted as he kame back with a hot dog. "How've you been since MK9?"

"Well, I've had to work at McDonald's, Khameleon recently left me, and I've been getting people together to hold another tournament with Noob's help, so I've been okay. You?"

"Well, my friend and I had a falling out, but I found a new one. Someone you know."

"Oh, that's good."

"You said you're getting folks together for a tournament? Who else is in it?"

"At this point, we have besides me, of kourse, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Mileena, Drahmin, Quan Chi, Moloch, and Mavado. I kame by to invite you."

"Hmm. Sounds an interesting offer, old friend. But I'd have to check with my employer first," said Reiko.

"Fuck Shao Kahn, dude," said Sektor. "Strap on those balls and join us. Cage didn't punch you, did he?"

"Ha ha," said Reiko. "Believe me, Sek, I'd love to get in on this tournament, but Shao Kahn puts an iron grip stronger than his grab attack on his rules. I think some of Hotaru rubbed off on him or something like that. I really would have to check with him."

"Okay," said Sektor. "Well, I think I kan stay a while and shoot the shit."

"Of kourse you kan," said Reiko, "But Kai and I made plans to meet here and play some _Mario Kart 64 _about a week ago. Of kourse, you kan join us."

"More than happy to have you join, Sektor," said Kai. "How have you been? You look pretty good."

Sektor looked at Kai and noticed that he had gotten rather chunky.

"I've been okay," said Sektor. "Keeping in shape for a little tournament I'm holding here in Outworld. You're more than welcome. We kan always use another kombatant."

"Sorry, but I don't fight anymore," said Kai. "Sonya and I joined the same kult. And it's not of the Blue Öyster."

"Yeah, you're already both members of the Kiss R-Me," said Reiko. "I kall Wario."

"Then I'll take Yoshi now," said Sektor.

"All right, Luigi is all mine," said Kai. "First race, we gang up on Toad!"

After a few hours of racing, Sonya burst in the door.

"Kai!" she shouted at Sindel volume, "We have a kult meeting in Edenia in three minutes and Raiden is going to open the portal for us!"

"Hey, Sonya!" Reiko shouted. "Kai will be down soon!"

"He'll be down now!" Sonya shouted.

"Krazy bitch," Kai muttered as he got up. "Reiko, Sektor, it was good to...holy fucking shit!" He jumped into Reiko's arms.

"What?" asked Sektor. He looked around on the floor. All he saw was a spider. "You're scared of spiders, Kai?"

"Not spiders," said Kai as he shivered. "Their shadows. "Spider shadows have scared the shit out of me since I was a kid. When I was three years old, a spider shadow tried to bite me."

"The shadow tried to bite you?" asked Reiko, "Or was it the actual spider?"

"It was the shadow because spiders themselves don't bite, they pierce!" Kai screamed. "Don't you know how a spider's mouthparts work?"

"Don't know, don't kare," said Sektor. "I think Sonya's getting pissed."

"You're right," I am," said Sonya as she kame into the room, grabbed Kai by his penis, and pulled him away. "We have to get there fast so I kan get back to the meeting in Earthrealm."

"I thought that was happening now," said Reiko.

"I have a time machine," said Sonya. "Raiden and I will use it to get back to Earthrealm after the meeting in Edenia."

"That's gotta hurt," said Sektor as Sonya dragged Kai out the door. "I'm glad I kan detach mine until I need it."

"How much dust is on it?" asked Reiko.

"About five years' worth," said Sektor. "It's only because I don't believe in masturbation. And the last time I jacked off, I only had mechanical arms and legs, so I ripped my dick klean off."

"Oh, about the tournament," said Reiko, "I'm in. And I'll give my friend a kall."

"Sudden change of mind?" asked Sektor. "I knew I kould kount on you, old boy. All right, here's the address, and get there ASAP so you kan get some training in."

"I kan train right here, old boy," Reiko said as he punched Sektor in the arm. "See you on the fighting day."

Sektor drove back to the gym and told everyone about Reiko.

"Sssssoundssss good," said Reptile. "Oh, and I got a kall from Chameleon. He's going to go home after his business trip in Seido and kome by to fight."

"Excellent," Sektor said in a deep voice. "And Reiko will bring his friend."

"Pat is also koming?" asked Drahmin.

"No, they're not together anymore," said Sektor. "Reiko said it's someone I know, so that means it's a good chance we all know this person. We'll find out soon enough."

Meanwhile over in Earthrealm, a meeting was taking place.


	5. Meeting in Earthrealm

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado, Reiko, Chameleon

In this Chapter: Liu Kang, Kung Lao, Scorpion, Sub Zero, Kano, Goro, Shang Tsung, Kitana, Kintaro, Shao Kahn

Others: Khameleon, Kobra, Kira, Taven, Raiden, Cage, Hsu Hao, Kai, Shinnok, Argus, Fujin, Sonya

Chapter 5: Earthrealm Meeting

In which the top tier big time kharacters are having their annual meeting

* * *

"Okay, the annual status meeting is in order," said Liu Kang.

"No, we're in Earthrealm, not Orderrealm," Kano joked.

"Funny," said Liu Kang. "Okay, we know everyone is here except for Mileena and Reptile because they are in Outworld preparing for the very topic of this meeting."

"Oh, right the tournament," said Kung Lao. "Yeah, I just heard about that."

"I saw them getting Quan Chi," said Cage. "All I know is that Sektor and Noob are running this thing."

"Such a shame he was in MK1 and I'm the top tier kharacter," Sub Zero said with a laugh. "So, what are we going to do? You know this tournament is konsidered beyond their bounds. Only Shang Tsung and Shao Kahn are allowed to determine when tournaments are held."

"So we must stop them, then!" Goro declared, holding a finger in the air while using his other hands to scratch his ass, pick his nose, and arm wrestle Kintaro.

"Yes, but how?" asked Sonya. "We need a strategy."

"We kould...blow up the establishment," said Jax. "That's what I want to do."

"No, too obvious," said Cage. "Wait a minute. Sub Zero. Someone with that name is in every game. Except, of kourse, _Special Forces_, but...you know. No offense, Jax."

"No, you're right," said Jax. "I guess that means you, Sub."

"No, no, no," said Sub Zero. "I've had enough of fighting. I'm hella tired."

"Well, I'm not doing it," said Kitana. "Smoke told me that Cyrax is in the tournament, and they're still close pals. And also in the tournament, Sub Zero, is your good friend Kenshi."

"I'll go," said Scorpion. "I'm always itching for a fight. It's who I am."

"Okay, but we have to appear normal about it," said Cage. "I'll accompany you as your personal trainer."

"And I'll be the guy making the komeback," said Kung Lao.

"All right," said Shao Kahn. "Cage, Scorpion, and Kung Lao are going to resolve this matter by sabotaging the tournament in any way they know how. Good luck. And now, like always, we klose in prayer." They joined hands. "Elder Gods above, Raiden right here and Shinnok down below. We thank you for these powers and these tournaments. We thank you for unlimited kontinues. We thank you for not being Rain. MORTAL KOMBAT!!!"

"Who's Rain?" Kintaro asked.

"Someone who's slightly worse off than you," said Shao Kahn. "I think I might be the only one who remembers that potato head."

"I think that name rings a bell," said Kitana.

"It should," Liu Kang grumbled. "All right, who wants to go to my house and play _Samurai Shodown_?"

* * *

What's next in store for our fighters?


	6. Preparing for Kombat

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado, Reiko, Chameleon, Kung Lao, Scorpion

In this Chapter: Liu Kang, Kung Lao, Scorpion, Sub Zero, Kano, Goro, Shang Tsung, Kitana, Kintaro, Shao Kahn

Others: Khameleon, Kobra, Kira, Taven, Raiden, Cage, Hsu Hao, Kai, Shinnok, Argus, Fujin, Sonya, Liu Kang, Sub Zero, Kano, Goro, Shang Tsung, Kintaro, Shao Kahn

Chapter 6: Preparing for Kombat

In which Chameleon komes in, Kung Lao and Scorpion enter the tournament, and Cage makes the plan

* * *

"Okay, everyone," said Sektor. "We are waiting on how many more people?"

"Chameleon is on his way," said Mileena.

"And I heard it through the Underworld grapevine that Scorpion konsidered joining us," said Noob. "I kan't wait to kick his ass one more time."

"Okay," said Sektor. "Now, we've been sparring, training, and playing past games to get into shape. I feel like I'm ready. But I'm going to keep training. We're going to have a hell of an audience because I was able to get this advertised. In terms of guests, I know the top tier kharacters will be there, and I got a kall from Kabal. He'll be showing up, along with Kobra and Kira. Jarek kalled me, but she meant to kall Frost, who will not be koming because she's interviewing for a position in _King of Fighters_. All I have to say is at least I didn't sign up to try for _Pit Fighter_. Okay, is there anything else to kover?"

At that moment, a kar pulled up. The door opened and shut, but no one kame out. The door opened and shut. Everyone looked. Chameleon appeared and smiled under his mask.

"Okey dokey, artichokey," he said. "I just watched the movie _Balls of Fury_, which is the funniest thing I've seen in years, and I gotta tell you, getting here was the route from hell. Seriously, there was this killer traffic jam in Konami because Frogger took forever to get across, and don't get me started on the street repairs in Namco."

"Oh, yeah, we have to go to Namco after this," said Quan Chi. "I've been reading 's stories, and there's going to be this showdown between Ryu and Forrest Law. And there's also something about Guile and Paul Phoenix."

"Well, with thossssse lasssst two," said Reptile, "I guessssss a disssspute about who usssssed up the hair gel."

"No, it actually has to do with Phoenix insulting Guile's haircut," said Chameleon. "Okay, so where do I start? Sektor, you're running this thing. What are we doing?"

"We're wrapping up the training period," said Sektor. "All practice is officially over for the day, but anyone who wants to kontinue working out is more than welcome to do so."

"All right then, Scorpion, I'll koach you." Everyone turned to the door to see three top tier kombatants standing there. "Hey, whaddaya say?" said Cage as he shot a finger gun at Sektor.

"Kung Lao, you made it!" Reiko said excitedly.

"I know!" Everyone watched as the kouple passionately kissed each other.

"Am I missing something?" asked Kenshi.

"Apparently Reiko and Kung Lao are partners," said Dairou. "I knew Kung Lao's gay, but Reiko..."

"So this one's your new friend," said Sektor. "So glad you three kould join us."

"Well, I'm actually Scorpion's personal trainer for this tournament," said Cage. "I kan't risk getting hurt for my new movie _Johnny Cage and the Quest to Stop the Infidels_."

"Katchy title," said Noob. "Well, Scorpion, I guess we have to promise not to kill each other until the tournament, eh?"

"Aren't you supposed to be invading some other fanfic right now?" asked Ermac.

"No, I'm not."

The next few days were spent training and sparring. Kung Lao, however, was keeping a sharp eye on Scorpion and Cage. He was actually there to fight and have fun. He eventually went to the bathroom at the right time. He was going when Cage and Scorpion walked in and went to the urinals. Kung Lao held his breath and listened klosely.

"So here's my plan," said Cage. "I studied the layout of this place and got some texts back from Jax, Baraka, and Kitana. They'll set themselves up respectively at the back door, the basement trapdoor, and the rooftop. When you give the signal, I'll send out the mass text and they'll invade the stadium, erupting us into Mortal Kombat."

"Cage?"

"Yeah, Scorpion?"

"Fuck your plan."

"Oh? And what are you going to do, force them to watch _Double Dragon _and _House of the Dead_?"

"No, I'm going to kill them all."

"Raidendammit, Scorpion, is that all you think about? Killing people?"

"Haha, Cage. No, I occasionally think of my wife and my son. And how to do Guile's Sonic Boom in the _Street Fighter _games."

"Charge back, forward punch."

"Really? I always thought it was down forward punch."

"Well, you've never had a standard projectile, so I guess that would be your first thought. No, you're thinking of Hadoken or Yoga Fire."

"Okay. Well, I'm just going to kill everyone."

"Fine, do what you want."

"Good plan," said Kung Lao as he kame out of the stall. Anything I kan do to help?"

"Kill them with me," said Scorpion. "Starting with your beloved Reiko."

"Oh, is it true what it says on Wikipedia about gay men having larger, thicker penises?" asked Cage.

"I think it is," said Kung Lao. "Reiko's huge, but Raphael was bigger."

"So, why are you dating Reiko?" Scorpion asked.

"Because he kares about me more than he kares about Astaroth."

Kung Lao washed his hands and left. He ran to the room where Reiko was sitting with Sektor, Cyrax, and Chameleon.

"Hey, there, Kung, what's the matter," said Cyrax. "You look like you have some bad news."

"Konfession time," said Kung Lao. "I entered this tournament for the fun of fighting. Scorpion and Cage are working with the other top tier kombatants to sabotage this. Reptile and Mileena don't know because they were here instead of at the meeting, but I'm warning you now."

"I know you're a top tier kombatant like them," said Chameleon, "But you don't have to scare us. Me, I'm at the lowest tier. I'm a fucking pretender kharacter. You'd expect me to sabotage this shit, but I'm fighting fair and square."

"I'm going to get some food," said Cyrax as he left.

"Look, Kung Lao," said Sektor, "I know this tournament is legally illegal."

"What?" Kung Lao asked. "That doesn't make sense."

"It does to me. What I'm saying is I'm not afraid of those two, because any skilled player kan beat them. Or you kan use a health glitch, but I don't think there are any. Relax, don't do it. You know that song?"

"I'm gay, Sektor, of kourse I know that song."

"All right. I'm going to post the kharacter select screen later tonight." He left the room.

"I believe you," said Reiko. "What do you plan to do?"

"I'm going to tell Reptile and Mileena, I'm going to fight in the tournament, and I'm going to stop Scorpion myself."

"And if Shao Kahn gets involved?"

"I'll see if I kan get his helmet for you."

Later that night, everyone looked at the kharacter select screen. It had each kombatant and their fighting styles for the tournament.

Sektor: Kenpo, Jujutsu, Pulseblades

Noob Saibot: Monkey, Leopard, Troll Hammer

Reptile: Pao Chui, Crab, Kirehashi

Nightwolf: Val Tudo, Tae Kwon Do, Tomahawks

Dairou: Mi Zong, Aikido, Autumn Dao

Kenshi: Tai Chi, Judo, Katana

Ermac: Choy Lay Fut, Hua Chuan, Axe

Cyrax: Ninjutsu, Sambo, Pulseblade

Li Mei: Lui He Ba Fa, Baji Quan, Kunlun Dao

Mileena: Mian Chuan, Ba Gua, Sai

Drahmin: Hung Car, Oni, Iron Club

Moloch

Quan Chi: Escrima, Tang Soo Do, Broadswords

Mavado: Long Fist, Wing Chun, Hookswords

Reiko: Ying Yeung, Karate, Crude Hammer

Chameleon: Crane, Eagle Claw, Ninja Sword

Kung Lao: Shaolin Fist, Mantis, Broadsword

Scorpion: Hapkido, Pi Gua, Mugai Ryu

"That's what we're doing tomorrow," said Sektor. "Get your rest everyone!"

* * *

Ba-bump!


	7. Round 1, FIGHT!

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado, Reiko, Chameleon, Kung Lao, Scorpion

In this Chapter: Basically everybody

Chapter 7: Round 1, FIGHT!

In which the tournament begins

* * *

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sektor screamed as he woke up. He ran to the bathroom to take a shower. Noob put on his mask. Reptile stretched his tongue. Nightwolf kut his hair into a mohawk, then decided to go with his primary kostume. Dairou sharpened his Autumn Dao. Kenshi focused, but still smacked into a wall. Ermac moved objects around the room. Cyrax loaded his bombs and nets. Li Mei acclimated herself to her sword again. Drahmin readied his klub and fed his flies. Moloch selected his favorite ball and chain. Quan Chi ate an Egg McMuffin and summoned a skeleton. Mileena grinned in the mirror, but it broke. Mavado made sure his rubber bands were set. Reiko and Kung Lao kissed good morning before setting to their respective tasks of preparing shuriken and sharpening a hat. Chameleon practiced every ninja move he knew. Scorpion simply shat, showered, and he would have shaved, but he had no skin on his face, and thus nowhere for hair to grow. Kome to think of it, he'd be naked in the shower, and under his mask is a flaming skull. I'm konfused now. Whatever. They went to the fighting area where a large krowd was koming in.

"Ladies, gentlemen, Centaurs, Shokans, Tarkatans, Oni, and Zaterrans!" Sektor addressed the audience.

"There'sssss only two of ussss, and you're married to one," Reptile hissed under his breath.

"I welcome you to Future Kombat! We are going to have a hell of a time and you are going to enjoy yourselves! I'd like to say that as the organizer, I'm the boss of this game, and Noob as my assistant is the sub boss! While I'm no Shao Kahn, I'd say I've done well! And the one and only Shao Kahn is in the audience today! Emperor Kahn, would you like to do the honors of kalling the fights?"

"Blow it out your ass, Sektor!" kame the reply.

"I never liked you, either," Sektor simply responded. "Okay, now for the rules. These will be best two of three, blood level max, death traps on, any Fatality allowed. You kan make one up if you choose! Will all Kombatants please report to ringside?"

Everyone kame down to ringside. The krowd cheered and klapped as everyone waved.

"And now for the first fight," Noob announced. "I'll choose a kharacter, Sektor will choose one." They both hit the randomize button and the fight that kame up was:

DAIROU VS. ERMAC

"Oh, shit," Dairou gasped.

"What?" asked Ermac.

"While I was training I had to regain my powers to use my special attacks again. I forgot to relearn my Tombstone Drop."

"What?"

"I fall back and shake the field."

"Okay..."

"Ermac, I'm down to two specials. Iron Leg and Stealthy Shadows. Please, if you kould just not use one of your specials, you kan choose it, of kourse, but don't use it so it's fairer."

"It's okay, Dairou. We forgot how to do Hado Energy."

"Enter the ring, kombatants," said Noob. "Sektor, start them off."

"Round 1," said Sektor. Dairou got into his Mi Zong stance. Ermac got into his Choy Lay Fut stance. "FIGHT!"

Ermac landed the first hit with a punch to Dairou's face. Dairou responded by grabbing Ermac, breaking his arm, and tossing him to the ground. Let me just tell you now that the players were komplete noobs (no offense, Mr. Saibot). The fight lasted (for those of you who want to see a fight, picture it in your head. I encourage you to use your imaginations), but Dairou kame out on top. Ermac got him in the second round, but Dairou won the overall fight.

"Finish him!" Sektor kalled.

"With what Fatality?" Dairou asked.

"Anyone you like," said Noob. "But it doesn't matter now, Ermac just fell over. Dairou wins."

"Next fight is...Kenshi vs. Quan Chi!"

Kenshi won the first fight flawlessly. Quan Chi was the overall winner, though. The other first round fights were as follows:

Reiko vs. Moloch

Chameleon vs. Sektor

Scorpion vs. Li Mei

Cyrax vs. Drahmin

Noob vs. Mavado

Kung Lao vs. Nightwolf

Reptile vs. Mileena

At the end, all the winners reported to ringside. Because there were an odd number of winners, one was lotteried out at random to fight in the final battle. It ended up being Scorpion.

"I have a bad feeling," Kung Lao thought as they took a break.


	8. Surprises!

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Official Kombatants: Sektor, Noob, Reptile, Nightwolf, Dairou, Kenshi, Ermac, Cyrax, Li Mei, Drahmin, Moloch, Quan Chi, Mileena, Mavado, Reiko, Chameleon, Kung Lao, Scorpion

In this Chapter: Basically everybody

Chapter 8: Surprise! (Surprises? Again?)

In which the tournament is sabotaged

* * *

"And we are back on!" Sektor announced. "Noob and I have kreated the second round. The fights will be: Me vs. Quan Chi, Dairou vs. Reiko, Cyrax vs. Noob, and Kung Lao vs. Reptile. Are you ready, Quan Chi?"

"I was born ready," said Quan Chi as he unwrapped his leg from around his throat. "I learned that trick from Dhalsim and Havik. I actually taught Havik tang soo do, you know."

"I did not know that," said Sektor as they faced off in the ring. "Start it, Noob."

"Round 1," Noob announced. "FIGHT!"

The two of them had it out. There was a power outage for whatever reason during the fight between Dairou and Reiko, so they kalled a quick break. During this time, Kung Lao pulled Reptile and Reiko aside.

"I know I don't have to tell you two twice," he said. "I have no idea when Scorpion's going to rampage."

"Probably when he goes to the arcade," said Reiko. "Oh, you meant sabotage us."

"Uh, yeah. Get your head out of your ass, Reiko."

"Get your head out of my ass, Kung Lao. Why don't you provide some insight, Reptile, you know Scorpion the best."

"Well..." Reptile looked and saw Scorpion at the end of the hall chatting with Stryker and Blaze. "Ssssssssscorpion will likely wait for when he fightsssssssss again. I'm guesssssssing that'll be toward the end."

"Someone has to do something," Kung Lao thought. "But what?"

As the tournament continued, Scorpion snuck out and killed everyone who had already lost. He then started doing the same thing all the way up to the semifinals, which consisted of Sektor vs. Kung Lao and Cyrax vs. Reiko. The winners ended up being the cyborgs. Sektor and Cyrax faced off in the ring, ready to fight.

"Goes back to the old days, doesn't it?" said Sektor.

"I will Finish you," said Cyrax.

"Kall it, Scorpion," said Sektor.

"Very well," said Scorpion. He looked to one side. He looked to the other. "Round 1. FIGHT!" He stabbed Cyrax repeatedly and kicked him out of the ring.

"What the fuck!" Sektor shouted. "I meant start the fight."

"I am starting the fight," said Scorpion. "Your tournament violates the rules of Mortal Kombat, Sektor, and I am here to kill you for it."

"Not if we have anything to say about it," said Kung Lao, standing with Reiko and Reptile at his side. "I overheard you talking with Cage in the bathroom. Your plan's been foiled, Hanzo."

"Are you serious?" said Scorpion. "No one calls me Hanzo anymore. But if you want to add to the body kount, I'm more than happy to oblige. GET OVER HERE!"

The four kombatants dodged Scorpion's spear and the fight was on. Scorpion was able to hold his own, however, and it ended with an injured, barely alive Kung Lao trying to resuscitate the other kombatants while Sektor had kornered Scorpion in the ring.

"Give it up, Scorpion," he said. "We've beaten the shit out of you multiple times and gotten a little X-Ray Kombat practice. It's a wonder you're still standing." He hit Scorpion with an uppercut and followed him to the rooftop.

"I refuse to lose!" Scorpion shouted. He charged, but Sektor hit him with a homing rocket and uppercutted him into the air.

"FINISH HIM!" Kung Lao shouted. Sektor hit Scorpion with another uppercut that sent him all the way back to hell where he found himself trapped between two fat, hairy, old women with incredible BO and who wouldn't stop talking about Matlock reruns.

"Flawlesssssssss victory," said Reptile as he held Sektor's hand high. "Sektor wins!"

The audience cheered. The big time kharacters were about to protest when they saw Reiko resurrecting the fallen kombatants. Sektor felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around to kiss his wife. As the audience cheered, someone entered the ring.

"Hey, I heard there was a tournament here," said a ninja dressed in purple.

"It's over, Rain," said Sektor.

* * *

Yes! It's over! Sorry it wasn't so epic, but I'm not the best with epic fight scenes. And yes, I'm pumped for MK9! 


	9. Bonus Section: Kharacter Endings

Future Kombat

I do not own Mortal Kombat. But if I did, it would be a hell of a lot bloodier. Yes, this is inspired from College Humor's Street Fighter: The Later Years. I will do my best not to run into that.

This is supposed to be after MK10. For the sake of simplicity, we have no new characters. After that, Midway went mostly bankrupt and everyone had to find real jobs. We will follow Sektor and Noob as they try to host another tournament.

Well, this is the end. This is a bonus section with kharacter endings as if this was an actual game. Sektor is the narrator.

* * *

SEKTOR

As Scorpion fell into the khasm below into Hell, I was happy once again as the audience chanted my name and Khameleon put her arms around me once more. But Johnny Cage had other ideas. He kalled the other big time kharacters to Kombat, but with help from my friend Kung Lao, I was victorious again. Shao Kahn faced me in a last ditch effort to win, but failed. Spectacularly, I might add. He'd worked on a new special attack, and he pulled it off with poise and grace, but I still kicked that guy's ass. Reiko got the helmet he always wanted, but I got the throne of Outworld. So suck it, Onaga!

* * *

NOOB SAIBOT

Upon finally and truly defeating Scorpion, Noob realized his own revenge was now kompleted. He was about to announce his retirement from the fighting business and his change to promoting his own karnival, but someone teleported to the ring with other ideas. It was Noob's younger brother Legov, better known as Sub Zero. He challenged Noob to Kombat, but Noob said he would no longer fight, especially not his own brother. Sub Zero punched, but Noob stood his ground. Sub Zero kicked, but Noob stood his ground. Sub Zero shot a blast of ice, but Noob lost his kryogenic powers with his death. So he teleported to the roof, followed klosely by his brother. "I refuse to fight you any longer, Legov," were Noob's final words as an icy sword went through his head. Whatever, though. He's a fighting game kharacter in the end, so I know he'll be back after I put in a quarter.

* * *

REPTILE

After besting Scorpion in Kombat, Reptile felt it appropriate to challenge someone with whom he'd had a personal vendetta since MK4. Kai. See, I wasn't there for this because they didn't put me in until MK Gold, which is just the same game with me added, as well as Baraka, Cyrax, Kung Lao, Mileena, and Kitana on the Dreamcast, but...wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, apparently, Kai drank Reptile's soda while they were making MK4 and Reptile wanted to get him back. Kai was there at the gym that we made into a stadium, so he accepted the challenge. However, Reptile didn't Finish Kai after the fight like I thought he would because they both saw the funny side of their whole personal vendetta. So Reptile slapped Kai on the back and the score was settled.

* * *

NIGHTWOLF

I'm not being stereotypical or anything, I'm just saying Nightwolf has a problem. I saw him reaching for that victory beer, and since he's going to be in the real world's MK9 (as am I! YES, the author got his wish!), he really needs to lose that beer gut. But his bottle had been replaced with one of ginger ale. Nightwolf was about to start komplaining, when he saw Chameleon and Quan Chi pouring his beer down the sink. I'd have gladly taken it, but Nightwolf was held back by Liu Kang and his family. Exactly why they decided on this place of all places for an intervention I don't know, largely because I didn't ask.

* * *

DAIROU

The latent hatred and thirst for revenge that fueled Scorpion and kept his motor running took over Dairou and he smiled. In addition to this rage kame Scorpion's powers, so now Dairou kould shoot spears and summon flames and shit. I think Dairou also became undead as a result. In any kase, he went back to his home realm of Seido, killed Hotaru and Darrius, and took over the realm. He ruled for years until challenged by Havik. I think it got pretty ugly after that. I'm really not sure.

* * *

KENSHI

As Scorpion fell, Kenshi laughed as the audience cheered. But the laughter was the beginning. In fact, we should have seen that as the first sign that he was about to go into a blind rage for absolutely no reason (maybe it had to do with the fact that Kirby somehow found his way in there and ate his katana), but yeah, Kenshi went on a blind rage (no pun...okay, pun intended) and started beating the shit out of anyone nearby physically and mentally. Few civilians survived. It was the worst Multality I've ever seen, and I've seen some nasty shit in my time. Ask me later about that Knack concert I went to back in 1980. Someone there really, really hated My Sharona. I'm rambling again. Sorry, I do that sometimes. Shit, now I've forgotten what I was saying...oh, yeah, it was about last night's episode of...no? I wasn't discussing TV? No, something about Dairou, Reiko, and I trying to hold Kenshi down, only to get our arms torn off. Holy shit, my arms are gone! FUUUUUUUUCK!

* * *

CYRAX

Today, Cyrax no longer wished to be a barber. He wanted to settle his score with me once and for all, and I decided what the hell, I don't have anything better to do right now, and I have On Demand from Comcast, so I kan watch Beerfest anytime I want before ten tonight. So Cyrax and I took out our pulseblades and went at it. Fighting, that is, not fucking. We're not Reiko and Kung Lao. We picked up where we'd left off and Scorpion had to be a dick and interfere. However, it took longer than we'd expected, and it was about nine twenty-seven, and Sub Zero must have been bored out of his skull (which I found odd, because everyone else left and he was still there), so he shot a blast of ice into the ring. I saw it first, and I didn't see it until I slipped on it. So I ended up seeing Cyrax's pulseblade in my chest, a bomb at my feet, and the saw in his chest going to my head. Oh, and I missed Beerfest. FML

* * *

LI MEI

Li Mei looked for her husband (or fuck buddy, I really kan't remember which it is) Onaga the Dragon King of Outworld who once beat Teddy Roosevelt, Chuck Norris, Mr T, Bruce Lee, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and George Lynch from Dokken and Lynch Mob all teamed up in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos (sue me, I didn't invent his new title) who was not there. My guess is he was playing these guys again in Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. She kalled Shao Kahn to the center of the ring, and demanded to know where Onaga was, but he did not know. Frustrated, Li Mei prepared to kill him, but I saved the day by putting on the music. Li Mei started dancing and everyone was happy. Well, everyone but me because it takes forever to get up a steel penis.

* * *

ERMAC

Scorpion's energy shattered the bonds holding Ermac's souls together and kountless souls were released throughout the realms. First, they found Shang Tsung and flooded him, kausing all the souls within him to be free as well. That was all I saw until I met a ninja in red at my doorstep. I asked who he was and he said, "I am Ermac."

* * *

DRAHMIN

Drahmin's victory over Scorpion made him remember his days as a tormentor before becoming a Kombatant. He kalled Moloch and they followed Scorpion to the Netherealm to torment him. Last I heard they're forcing him to watch endless reruns of every video game movie from the 90s.

* * *

MOLOCH

The audience cheered and Moloch smiled. But a familiar emotion built within him as he turned and saw Sheeva. And I'm stopping here because I'm already getting sick.

* * *

QUAN CHI

His main goal of eliminating the Shirai Ryu klan finally kompleted, Quan Chi started doing his happy dance. No shit. The guy was doing a happy dance, and he really pissed of Sub Zero (look at this, he's in every ending, like he's in every game) and Shang Tsung, so they charged, ending up impaled on Quan Chi's broadswords. Moral of the story: don't interfere with the happy dance.

* * *

MILEENA

Mileena killed Scorpion and the audience loved it. I didn't see the fight because I had to lead Hotaru to the men's room.

* * *

MAVADO

Scorpion gave off the energy of konfidence when he was killed, so now Mavado had the power. I know this because he shouted, "I HAVE THE POWER!" and ran to Red Dragon HQ. He killed Daegon and took over. They haven't killed as much, but they've made much headway in the pornography industry. Curse my steel robotic penis.

* * *

REIKO

Reiko enjoyed his victory over Scorpion. But he got no energy or anything like that. As the person Reiko really wanted to be drew kloser to avenge Scorpion, Reiko grew desperate. Shao Kahn laughed and was about to shoot a blast, but Kung Lao saved his boyfriend by slicing off Kahn's head. The two then shared a kiss. Reiko got nothing from Scorpion at the end of the fight, but I'm sure he got something from Kung Lao that night.

* * *

CHAMELEON

We all know Chameleon is a pretender kharacter and Ed Boon is removing him from the series (Hsu Hao, as well). So he knew he had to really kick ass in this tournament. But how do you do that when you just imitate ninjas? Nonetheless, he defeated Scorpion with his own spear and Hellfire Kick. But he was booed anyway. Chameleon, you may not be original or popular, but as a fellow under-appreciated kharacter and from TitanNerd68 himself, you will always have my respect.

* * *

KUNG LAO

Kung Lao was saddened that Reiko had been killed in the fight with Scorpion and wasn't around to see his victory. I knew how he felt. Scorpion not only killed everyone else, but he and the other big time kharacters had also destroyed the arcade games. Kung Lao mourned, but I had a solution. I had to get back to the arcade by the McDonald's where I worked. It was the klosest one I kould think of. But I kan only teleport up to about a screen length away. I pray to the Elder Gods I kan make it.

* * *

SCORPION

I have failed. Scorpion successfully defeated me and everyone else. Kung Lao, Reptile, and Mileena have been kicked out of the big time kharacters. I've been imprisoned in the Netherrealm. And the hot games in arcades right now...are...Clay Fighter and War Gods! We're doomed!

* * *

That's it! MK9 will be awesome. MK Rebirth, not so much. I don't kare what anyone says, that is NOT THE ELDERGODDAMNED STORYLINE!


End file.
